


The Shape I’m In

by Kittyswriting



Series: All Time Lows [4]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Abusive Howard Stark, Comfort/Angst, Heavy Angst, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Sad Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-06
Updated: 2015-07-06
Packaged: 2018-04-07 23:19:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4281792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kittyswriting/pseuds/Kittyswriting
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the hell of denying Howard's abuse and pain of reliving those memories, Tony breaks and goes for a drive to be alone with his thoughts and feelings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shape I’m In

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Here is part 4 of the All Time Low series. Thank you to everyone that is enjoying the series and sending me kudos and messages. I hope you all enjoy this part. 
> 
> Word prompt: scars.

Tony Stark was a lot of things, he was a genius, an Avenger, a lover, a friend, a survivor.  
He had survived his father's abuse, the countless betrayals by so called friends, he had survived Afghanistan, he had even survived falling out of a black hole.  
  
Tony Stark was really tired of being a survivor.  
  
Because it wasn't just one thing he had to survive, it felt like the universe was always coming up with new ways to try and destroy him, but he kept going, kept surviving. But he was tired, he just wanted a life where he didn't need to constantly be surviving. It wasn't the physical fights that came with being Iron Man that was making him tired, it was the emotional ones that came with being Tony Stark that was killing him.  
  
Each new emotional fight seemed to leave more and more scars, and sometimes it opened old scars. Ones that Tony forgot he even had. He had thought that he was okay that he got over what his father did to him.  
  
But then the media got wind of Howard's abuse and it felt like Tony was back to being that scared little boy who was terrified every time his father decided to drink. He had to deny it, for the good of the people and the company. Pepper had been against the idea originally, but he was Tony Stark if there's one thing he was good at it was convincing people.  
  
Even the people that knew him better than anyone.  
  
He knew Steve, Rhodey and the other Avengers didn't like it. But he needed to do it and not just for the good of the company either, if he was being honest he did it for himself too. He didn't want everyone to know that about him, he didn't want to be labeled a victim because he wasn't. He was a survivor.  
  
Maybe it was a little selfish of him, protecting his abuser. He knew that if this was any of the people he cared about he would try and convince them to be honest and that the person that hurt them doesn't deserve that kind of protection. But Tony needed to do it, he wouldn't be able to stand the looks people would give him. The looks of pity mixed with relief that it wasn't them, that they didn't go through something like that.  
  
He'd seen those kinds of looks before, he didn't want to see them again.  
  
He knew what the media was like, they'd try and find out more, try and dig at his childhood and he couldn't see that every day. He could handle them calling him a whore, an alcoholic, a bad person. He couldn't handle them talking about his childhood, making his family and his past into everyone else's entertainment.  
  
He'd rather protect a monster that was long gone then have his entire life come under scrutiny. He made himself into the man the public saw so that they'd be too busy criticizing that image to say anything about what he was really like. He wasn't willing to give up that kind of protection yet.  
  
He had to do this. Even if no one else thought so.  
  
He knew Pepper and Rhodey had doubts about it all. That his other teammates didn't really understand but they were trying to. But Steve.....  
  
Steve supported him, he didn't agree with Tony's reasoning even if Tony hadn't given the main reason yet. But he still supported him, and that's what made this whole thing so hard. Tony didn't deserve that kind of love or support, not from someone like Steve.  
  
Tony was complicated, he was scarred, and hard to live with let alone love. But Steve somehow managed to do it. Tony knew himself, knew his faults and how he was difficult sometimes. he was physically, emotionally and mentally scarred in ways most people couldn't be able to even begin to understand. Not even Steve had seen all of Tony's scars, he'd seen more of them then anyone else but Tony still had some hidden ones.  
  
And Steve had some too, Tony had seen them when Steve has nightmares about the war, about Bucky, about New York.  
  
Tony had tried to comfort Steve through them, and he had managed to help him a little. But Tony knew better than anyone that nightmares like the ones Steve had didn't go away forever. Tony could only hold onto Steve and help him through them, the same way Steve held onto him to help him through his own nightmares.  
  
Tony sighed softly, his thoughts were getting to him. He looked over and smiled when he saw the view in front of him. He had gone for a drive, he needed to think, to figure his own head out. He had taken one of Howard's cars, he couldn't risk JARVIS telling his location to anyone, and all of Howard's cars were classic no way of the AI being able to track him.  
  
He knew Steve would be worried about him, but he needed this, he needed to get away from the people and their looks. He just couldn't take it, plus he knew Sam was coming today. Sam didn't know him very well, most of the things he knew he knew from either Steve or Natasha. He wasn't sure if Sam would bring up his father, but he didn't want to chance it. Plus he had a feeling the subject of Bucky might come up.  
  
It's not like he didn't want to help his boyfriend find Bucky, he meant what he said about finding him together as a family.  
  
But he felt like he was going crazy, he didn't know how much more he could take of this. Bucky, his dad, the media, everything was so crazy and he didn't know what to do anymore. If Bucky turned up then Steve had to go and find him. There was no question about that. But was Tony ready to go searching for him?  
  
Could he set aside all this and put 100 percent of himself into finding Bucky?  
  
"You know this seems an awfully long way to go to get some space."  
  
Tony was shocked by the voice and turned round to see Steve standing there. How the hell did he find him?  
  
"You told me about this place once, you said it was the perfect place to think." Steve said as he walked over to Tony.  
  
"I need to stop telling you all of my secrets." Tony said softly as he felt Steve's strong arms wrap around his waist.  
  
"I was worried, especially when JARVIS said he didn't know where you were and couldn't track you."  
  
"I'm sorry for making you worry, I just needed to get away." Tony said leaning against Steve's chest.  
  
"Where's your head at Tony?" Steve asked gently, like if he spoke to loudly Tony would get spooked and disappear.  
  
"It's a very mixed up place right now Steve. I don't know what to do...." Tony said the last part softly in a broken voice that didn't really belong to Tony.  
  
Steve had never seen Tony look so lost, Tony was always so strong and such a fighter but there wasn't anything to fight right now. No monster, no enemy, Steve wished there was. At least he knows what to do in that situation, he can help. But he couldn't help Tony with this. No matter how much he wanted to.  
  
"You don't have to do anything Tony. You've been so strong and so brave, it's okay not to always be that strong." Steve said softly rubbing his hands up and down Tony's arms hoping that it gave his lover some sort of comfort.  
  
"No, it's not okay. I have to keep being strong, I can't...." Tony trailed off shaking his head. If it wasn't for Steve, Tony would have already started looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle. But he had been sober for nearly seven months, he couldn't face anyone's disappointment if he broke that.  
  
After everything that had been going on, he couldn't take disappointing Steve, Rhodey, Pepper or the other Avengers. Not after how they supported him through quitting cold turkey, even when he got angry and started suffering from withdrawals.  
  
"Tony, stop. You don't have to keep doing this, you've been through a lot these past few days. We both have. It's okay to not be strong, it's okay to fall because I'm gonna be right there to catch you." Steve said turning Tony around so he could look at his face.  
  
"I have so many scars Steve. I know you've seen a lot of them, and I've seen a lot of yours too but you haven't seen them all and I'm scared to break because what if I can't get put back together again? What if this is it for me?" Tony asked quietly.  
  
All of Tony's defenses were gone, the wall he had up to keep people from seeing the real him was gone, the confidence and strength weakened by everything that had been going on the past few days. This was the moment Steve had knew was coming, he knew that Tony was trying to handle things and be strong. He knew that sooner or later the man he loved so much was going to break from the amount of pressure he was faced with.  
  
And Steve knew how he handled things here could make or break their relationship.  
  
"This is not it for you Tony, I won't let it be and neither will the Avengers or Pepper, Happy, and Rhodey. This is just one more hurdle that we've got to overcome, but we'll do it together. You're not alone anymore Tony, you have friends and a family that love and support you."  
  
"But there's always another hurdle Steve. Just when I think my life is going good something happens to screw it all up. Howard once said Stark's can never truly be happy, and I'm starting to wonder if he's right maybe I'm cursed." Tony said as he made an attempt to walk away only to be stopped by Steve.  
  
"You don't believe that. Tony you've always believed that someone destiny is in their hands, you always say it's the choices we make that determine our lives not some divine plan. Why are you saying this now?" Steve asked softly.  
  
"I don't know. I feel lost, I don't know what I believe in. I thought when Howard died than I could move on with my life, that it would be over. But it's not, Howard's ghost keeps coming back and I'm so very tired Steve."  
  
"I know you, Tony. I know you don't really believe you're cursed, a lot has been going on these past few days. Anyone would be tired, I know it's been hard on you and this thing with Sam coming made it harder. But I promise you, as long as I'm here I'm going to look after you."   
Steve brushed Tony's hair back knowing how much the other man found comfort in it.  
  
Tony just sighed and let himself crumble in Steve's arms, it was safe and for one moment he could just fall and know that Steve would catch him. In this one moment hidden from everyone else in the world it was safe for him to be upset and know that Steve would be there for him.   
  
Tony knew Steve couldn't make it better, couldn't make it go away. Nobody could.  
  
This wasn't a fairytale where after years of pain and suffering a prince or knight in shining armor comes and makes everything better. This was real life, and in real life a single person couldn't undo years of hurt and pain. It just wasn't possible, the only way Tony knew things would get better would be if he himself chose to seek out help. But at the same time he knew he wouldn't.  
  
Tony didn't trust, not really. He trusted Steve, the Avengers, Rhodey, Happy, and Pepper. But that was it. Maybe he trusted Fury, he wasn't sure yet. Fury was the ultimate spy, and spies were full of secrets.  
  
"Can we go home?" Tony asked. "Please."  
  
Steve looked like he was going to say something until he heard the pleading in Tony's voice and nodded. "Sure Tony, let's go home."  
  
Tony offered Steve a small smile and the two of them made their way home. Tony couldn't talk about it anymore, he wasn't good at sharing his feelings and he'd done a fair share of that today already. He just wanted to go home to his family and pretend that everything was okay for a few hours.


End file.
